The Cycle of Abuse and DARVO

What Keeps People Hooked In

Abuse does not usually announce itself at the beginning. It often starts with charm, love bombing, or the promise of safety and belonging. This often happens at a time when we are vulnerable, feeling lonely, or in need of support. Over time, a pattern shows itself. Tension builds. Something erupts through control, manipulation, or harm. Then comes denial, minimization, or apology. A calm period follows, but it is temporary.

This cycle is not limited to romantic partnerships. It can be seen in cults, high control groups, workplaces, and even in certain anonymous “support” spaces where authority is misused.

One of the strongest tools used to trap people inside this cycle is called DARVO. It stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.

Deny: They insist nothing happened or that it was not as bad as you remember.

Attack: They point to your flaws or your reaction. You become the problem.

Reverse Victim and Offender: They claim to be the one harmed. Your boundaries or your refusal to comply are turned against you.

DARVO leaves people doubting themselves. Combined with the cycle of abuse, it keeps people walking on eggshells, hoping to avoid the next eruption and holding on to the brief calm that follows.

Stories You Might Recognize

“When I told my partner how much their yelling scared me. They said I was being too sensitive,  that I was being dramatic, and that I just could not handle conflict. By the end of the conversation, I was the one left apologizing for how I hurt them.”

“When I asked a question about the community leader’s choices, I was told my doubt meant I lacked faith. Then I was shamed publicly for hurting the community. Somehow, they became the victim of my voice, and I became the problem child.”

“When I talked to my boss a few weeks after my performance review and asked for the raise I was promised he told me that he never promised me a raise. He then started talking about how I have been failing to ‘meet standard’ the past year, despite my performance review saying I ‘went above and beyond’ just a few weeks ago. He told me that I was the most well paid person in my position and that I should be grateful for what I’m getting paid. Afterwards I was brought in to talk with HR for not being a ‘team player’ and was written up.”  

“When I joined an anonymous support group, I thought it would help me heal. At first they welcomed me in and talked to me about how I didn’t have to face this alone anymore. I noticed after a few months that whenever I shared my struggles, I was told I was not being honest enough, or that if I really wanted to recover I would just work the program harder. No matter how much effort I put in, or how much I focused on doing what they said, I was labeled as the problem. The shame from those rooms followed me and I began to feel guilty for struggling. I started to believe I was failing myself and the group, even though I was actually doing the hard work of recovery.”

Different settings. The same pattern. Deny, attack, reverse.

Tactics That Keep People Hooked

Love bombing and conditional acceptance: big gestures of care and attention that vanish once you are attached.

Isolation: slow removal of outside voices that could help you see clearly.

Guilt and shame: convincing you that speaking up is betrayal or that you are too broken to be believed.

Gaslighting: repeated claims that your memory, feelings, or instincts are wrong.

False community: a culture of silence and compliance, dressed up as belonging.

Red Flags to Notice

You feel more afraid of punishment than supported when conflict arises.

Your boundaries are treated as rejection or betrayal.

Apologies are followed by the same harm, without change, or they apologize for how you felt.

Doubt about your own reality and your perception grows stronger the longer you stay.

Leaving or questioning feels like losing your entire community, your purpose, or your identity.

Three Questions to Ask Yourself

1. Do I feel safer, clearer, and more myself here, or do I feel smaller, guilty, and confused?

2. When I set boundaries, are they respected, or are they turned into proof that I am the problem?

3. If someone I love told me they were treated this way, would I want them to stay?

Your honest answers will not hand you every solution. They may give you the clarity you need to decide whether what you are experiencing is truly care, or part of a cycle designed to keep you trapped.